body image/eating food

I have always been a skinny guy. Very clear to me. Others too! I was always being labeled "skinny" "skinny-minnie" "shrimpy" "Ethiopian" "string-bean" "sub-Saharan-desert boy" ect. as a younger one. Yeah, I was aware of this. I think I was glad I was not fat. In elementary school I was the thinnest boy in my class. Don't think I compared myself to the girls! I took a little solace in being slightly taller than average because I made everything a competition. I liked competeing as a kid. Always wanted to prove myself. prove myself as a man. prove myself as a winner. prove myself as better. ego shit. masculine machismo stuff. to be a man/manly/masculine. I watched a lot of sports. Wanted to replicate the men I saw on TV. My idea of being a man/having dick/penis (lol, dick fills in for penis now and again).

I was self conscious of me being thin in elementary school. I remember one time in 5th grade I was wearing a shirt that I like (which was way too big for me. I wear that shirt now as a 20 year old) fell off of one of my shoulders exposing it. Kind of feminine thing. Me and friend were talking to a couple girls and they laughed when it happened to me. Quickly put the shirt back up on shoulder but the embarrassment I felt was already there. I felt emasculated. Fuck, just wearing a shirt that's too big for me. Anyway, it wasn't until high school that this self-consciousness about my body image made me do something to change what I didn't like about me. At first I figured it's because I don't eat a lot of food. Maybe I'll put weight on then. Started eating donuts and milk before I went to bed. hahahahahah, didn't do jack-shit. Then I decided to lift weights to get bigger because I was still very insecure with the natural thinness of me. I was 5'11" (1.82M) and 145-150lb's(68-69KG) at that time. I wanted to be bigger and stronger like the athletes I looked up to as a little kid, particularly American football players.

I put on 20lb's but still felt the same. My body felt even worse. Didn't feel natural. Lost weight very easily. Wasn't going to fight it. Became silly. I stopped caring about my body shape/frame/size. "This is who I am".

One thing that did happen was I started a bad habit of eating more food than I had to. When I was 14-15 years old I started smoking pot. I would ride my bicycle to my friend Jack's house 9 miles away (two towns over) just to smoke. So I ended up frequently riding my bicycle a lot in the desire to get high. I timed myself to see how long it takes. Always wanted to go faster faster faster. Race against the clock. I was pretty quick and quite fit. Doing all this exercise made me hungry all the time. Sometimes if I didn't eat I'd shut down when riding bicycle and struggle to get home. So I began to eat before I got hungry...all the time! When I stopped riding my bike like a madman I continued on with the habit of eating before hungry. I became quite fond of the taste of food. I used the excuse that because I am so skinny and have a fast metabolism I can get away with overeating. Now that I've "slowed down" in my old age (20) I can put weight on easily.

It's fucked because I have still not returned back to normal eating. Eating only when hungry. I must listen to body. There are still times that I eat for pleasure of food when I am not hungry.


I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge me by comparing me to others-thus living in separation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge others and in that place judgment on myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to change my human physical body because I was ashamed of it after comparing it to other bodies that I have placed judgment on-thus living in separation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react with thought/feelings/emotions to words people have said about me and my physical appearance.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react with feelings/emotions of embarrassment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed/embarrassed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place feelings/emotions/thoughts on any and all words said about my and words I have said about anything/everything.

From here on I do not hit the ball back!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ruled by a clock.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear showing who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am inferior/superior to anyone/anything else-thus living in separation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to question whether or not I should do forgiveness because the ego of my mind believes it to be fine/ok when it is the ego/mind that I am stopping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live a lie because I've been scared to be self intimate with myself-thus I have had to lie to others to portray a false picture of who I am, of who I want to be but am actually not.

television

ok, I just turned the tube on and flipped around for something "good". I ended watching a 5 minute scene of a bank robbery. Here is the story: this guy is a bank teller. his buddy came in and wanted him to steal money. apparently they had a conversation prior where the bank teller told the friend how easy it would be to steal money at this time during the day when the manager was gone and another teller was in the fault. so the buddy comes in and convinces him to steal it. the guy at first says no but he thinks about it and ended up doing it. they got away with it and it went to a commercial and then I come on here to write about it.

I noticed myself when watching this bit of TV. I was nervous and I felt my heart racing and speeding up like I was the bank teller/friend. Like I put myself in their shoes. So here is my forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear going to prison.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of getting beat up/butt-fucked/stabbed to death in prison.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the experience of living in a jail cell for years/rest of my life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the nervous of running away from the police.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have my emotions/feelings/thoughts controlled and/or programmed by television.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear being a criminal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear running away from the law for a long period of time/living in fear of always being caught by the police and put in jail/put to death.

Death. Dieing. Dead. Deceased.

Big fear early on in my life. I was very young. Four or five years old. I was in the living room on the couch when I had realization/mindfuck. I knew people/bodies got old/aged and then stopped. Ideas probably came from TV maybe or I noticed animals die. No one I really knew personally up to that point in my life had died. I knew that I was my body and that bodies stop. Inevitably I knew my time was gonna come. That realization of that all I had experienced up to that point in my life would at some point end/stop. It was all I knew. What else was there that could be? I didn't know. All I had defined me to be was me in my body. When it ended and stopped I figured me too would stop. My experience of me would end.

Blackness. A long eternal sleep of nothingness. That scared the shit out of me! Fuck. Horrible feeling in my stomach. A pit of fear. Worst feeling I had ever felt. I cried. So scared of what I didn't know/guessed. I hid. I stuck my head in between the cushions of the couch and sobbed. For years afterward the thought of death/me dieing put that horrible pit of fear in my stomach. No infiltrated un/sub/conscious aspects of my "life".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear dieing/death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my body "ending" as a complete disapearance and removal of me as who I really am that remains as death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define me as who I really am that remains to only be my body.
I am me.
My body will "stop" and decay and amalgamate into the earth and I will remain!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself by information/television/movies.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am my body and that when my body "stops" I too will stop. I will remain!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I "know" what death is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to classify death as an eternal nothingness that I will never return from.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced/controlled by death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to "live" in fear of what I inevitably believed would happen to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide my fear of death within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to avoid life because of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide from reality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear crying.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to myself because what is real in life/me scared the shit out of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear dieing "young".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being shot by a gun and dieing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear getting killed by a bomb/explosion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being brutally stabbed and mortally wounded.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of having my limbs hacked off bit by bit by a large machete.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being cut up my table saws and industrial sized machines that cut shit up
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear falling off the ladders that I climb at work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of hitting the ground after taking a big fall from high up
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear hospitals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being stabbed by a sharp knife in my abdomen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being burned to death by a flame-thrower.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being incredibly burned/scorched/singed by fire after being soaked by gasoline/kerosene/flammable liquids.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to gear the pain of my head/skull being crushed to pieces by a car/truck/steamroller/big rig/ any and all heavy vehicles and dieing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being trampled to death by a herd of elephants.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being scolded to death by boiling hot liquids/acids/and lava/magma.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being cooked to dead in an industrial sized oven/pot of boiling water.

forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at things I have done to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at things that others have done to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compromise who I am out of fear of what others think of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to change who I am because I was fearful of others perception of me.
I am me.
I will always be me.
I accept me unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place judgment on myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place judgment on the things that I do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place judgment on others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am controlled and helpless.
I am standing up!
Till here no further.
I accept nothing less than who I am as one and equal as all as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe in psychics
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live my life because of what a psychic has said.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to question who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live in uncertainity.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be fearful of experiencing me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide me from me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live in a secluded corner of my mind fearful to live me as me because I am scared of what others perceive me to be.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to me out of fear of experiencing me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive me because I am fearful others perceptions of who I am, when in doing so actually become the fuckin lie!
I am me.
I always remain me.
From here on I will not take shit from me!!!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress myself with drugs.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to avoid me in fear of facing the shit that is me.
I direct me.
NO MORE SHIT.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by anything outside of me of who I am.

no title

I don't know why I there would be resistance from me to write about me. I'm chock full of fuckin memories and past experiences. motivation I guess. I did become lazy in my teen years (I'm 20 right now) when I smoked pot extensively. or maybe I just mind fucked myself into believing that I was suffering from some sort of drug induced motivational deficiency. why did I start smoking pot and drinking booze to begin with? Storytime:

I was 13 years old and playing music with my buddies regularly. They all smoked pot. I'd hang out with them while they smoked but I wouldn't partake. "no thank you. no drugs for me". They'd want me to join in with them, but I resisted. those were proud moments, hahahaha. I would get nervous for them(and myself) as they smoked because they fucking did right on the first floor of the house and Jack(buddy)'s dad would always come on us and we'd scurry away through the haze in a frightened frenzy.

One night we played a house party and I had nervous breakdown before going on stage. I was shaken. I didn't want to go up and play for folks. Really nervous. Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. Fearful of what they'd think of me. I remember I was not liking the style of music we were playing at the time, but it was the first musicians I had ever played with and was still playing with them. I guess I feared what would people think of me if they knew that was doing something I didn't really like and that in doing that became someone I didn't like. I ended up playing with them , albeit very nervously.

Later on that night after the party I slept over Jack's house. I remember being outside, looking at the sky and reflecting over the mindfuck of a nervous breakdown I had at the show. It was then I decided to hit the 'peace pipe'. That was the beginning of me smoking weeeed. didn't even get high the first time but i guess I wanted to know what it would be like then. probably even took the harm out of doing it because I didn't get fucked up like I thought I would and that made it seem OK.

Now it wasn't because of the nervous spasm I had at the house party that made me decide to smoke pot/drink/drugs. I had actually decided well before that that it was OK to do such things and that i'd like to explore/try these things out. I was into 60's rock and read into the whole late 60's era. I bought into the bullshit about consciousness expansion and drugs being a key to that. bullshit, now in hindsight looking at it. I even remember the exact moment and thoughts I had walking down a hallway in school when I decided/accepted that it would be ok/good for me to experiment with drugs.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

FUCKIN BALLS SHIT COCK ASS MOTHER FUCKER CUNT BITCH SHIT DONKEY DICK HO!!!!!! what the fuck? huh? what have I been doing? have I been living? constant constant constant questioning. who am I? what am I doing? is this right? should I do this? what the fuck happened? what is this voice? why the uncertainty of existance? of me? ok:


when I was 12 years old my friend David starting playing bass guitar and listening to music a lot a lot. I had always really enjoyed listening to music since I was say 8 or 9. I loved the oldies station in the car. I got a stereo in 4th grade and bought CD's. always loved listening to music. at times i guess i changed my taste in what i listened to because of what my friends listened to. anyway, my buddy started playing an instrument and singing and I thought, "cool". I wanted to join up in his band. so i bought a guitar so I could play with him. I learned songs and practiced so I could be good enough to play with him. and shit, I ended up joining up with them. I started to even write music. 'fuck, this is easy' i guess i thought. i ended up leaving them cause i didn't like the music they liked.

NOW!!! I was in the car with my mom and sister when i was probably 14, when it was clear, 'ok, this fucker likes playing music'. They said something that has fucking stuck with me since. here goes the story: when I was a wee little infant one of my mom's patients happened to be a psychic. her 'vision' of me was 'oh wow, look at all the music notes'. AND THEY TELL ME THIS FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! FAAAAA-UCCCCCCCCCCCCK!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO ME?! FUCKING MIND-FUCK OF MY LIFE! now then, I really didn't believe in psychics, though later on i convinced myself to believe in them so i wouldn't have to fucking decide if it's BS or not. my sister at the time said she believed in the psychic because she said she knew things she shouldn't of known. my sis is a pretty cynical bitch, so i was like 'whoa, you believe this and you don't believe in really any supernatural bullshit' I continued to play music with people and still do sort of. but I've always been haunted with wether or not 'this is me' 'this is who i am'. that's the fucking first question i asked after hearing of this story. still today, this fucking constant questioning of "is who I am been predetermined? have i ever had any fucking choice?"

I'm writing this now because I just received a phone call from probably my only friend (life long musician/mate). He was fucking pleading and begging with me to start something musical with him. I couldn't give him a fucking answer because I really have no clue of it's wether or not it's something I should do. I don't know if it's my predetermined bullshit enslavement. I don't know what I want/who I am. fuck.

Intro

Hi

My name is Erik. I'll be writing myself to freedom. For some perspective on what this means: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4WfMno6af8&feature=related