AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

FUCKIN BALLS SHIT COCK ASS MOTHER FUCKER CUNT BITCH SHIT DONKEY DICK HO!!!!!! what the fuck? huh? what have I been doing? have I been living? constant constant constant questioning. who am I? what am I doing? is this right? should I do this? what the fuck happened? what is this voice? why the uncertainty of existance? of me? ok:


when I was 12 years old my friend David starting playing bass guitar and listening to music a lot a lot. I had always really enjoyed listening to music since I was say 8 or 9. I loved the oldies station in the car. I got a stereo in 4th grade and bought CD's. always loved listening to music. at times i guess i changed my taste in what i listened to because of what my friends listened to. anyway, my buddy started playing an instrument and singing and I thought, "cool". I wanted to join up in his band. so i bought a guitar so I could play with him. I learned songs and practiced so I could be good enough to play with him. and shit, I ended up joining up with them. I started to even write music. 'fuck, this is easy' i guess i thought. i ended up leaving them cause i didn't like the music they liked.

NOW!!! I was in the car with my mom and sister when i was probably 14, when it was clear, 'ok, this fucker likes playing music'. They said something that has fucking stuck with me since. here goes the story: when I was a wee little infant one of my mom's patients happened to be a psychic. her 'vision' of me was 'oh wow, look at all the music notes'. AND THEY TELL ME THIS FUCKING SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! FAAAAA-UCCCCCCCCCCCCK!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO ME?! FUCKING MIND-FUCK OF MY LIFE! now then, I really didn't believe in psychics, though later on i convinced myself to believe in them so i wouldn't have to fucking decide if it's BS or not. my sister at the time said she believed in the psychic because she said she knew things she shouldn't of known. my sis is a pretty cynical bitch, so i was like 'whoa, you believe this and you don't believe in really any supernatural bullshit' I continued to play music with people and still do sort of. but I've always been haunted with wether or not 'this is me' 'this is who i am'. that's the fucking first question i asked after hearing of this story. still today, this fucking constant questioning of "is who I am been predetermined? have i ever had any fucking choice?"

I'm writing this now because I just received a phone call from probably my only friend (life long musician/mate). He was fucking pleading and begging with me to start something musical with him. I couldn't give him a fucking answer because I really have no clue of it's wether or not it's something I should do. I don't know if it's my predetermined bullshit enslavement. I don't know what I want/who I am. fuck.

Intro

Hi

My name is Erik. I'll be writing myself to freedom. For some perspective on what this means: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4WfMno6af8&feature=related