body image/eating food

I have always been a skinny guy. Very clear to me. Others too! I was always being labeled "skinny" "skinny-minnie" "shrimpy" "Ethiopian" "string-bean" "sub-Saharan-desert boy" ect. as a younger one. Yeah, I was aware of this. I think I was glad I was not fat. In elementary school I was the thinnest boy in my class. Don't think I compared myself to the girls! I took a little solace in being slightly taller than average because I made everything a competition. I liked competeing as a kid. Always wanted to prove myself. prove myself as a man. prove myself as a winner. prove myself as better. ego shit. masculine machismo stuff. to be a man/manly/masculine. I watched a lot of sports. Wanted to replicate the men I saw on TV. My idea of being a man/having dick/penis (lol, dick fills in for penis now and again).

I was self conscious of me being thin in elementary school. I remember one time in 5th grade I was wearing a shirt that I like (which was way too big for me. I wear that shirt now as a 20 year old) fell off of one of my shoulders exposing it. Kind of feminine thing. Me and friend were talking to a couple girls and they laughed when it happened to me. Quickly put the shirt back up on shoulder but the embarrassment I felt was already there. I felt emasculated. Fuck, just wearing a shirt that's too big for me. Anyway, it wasn't until high school that this self-consciousness about my body image made me do something to change what I didn't like about me. At first I figured it's because I don't eat a lot of food. Maybe I'll put weight on then. Started eating donuts and milk before I went to bed. hahahahahah, didn't do jack-shit. Then I decided to lift weights to get bigger because I was still very insecure with the natural thinness of me. I was 5'11" (1.82M) and 145-150lb's(68-69KG) at that time. I wanted to be bigger and stronger like the athletes I looked up to as a little kid, particularly American football players.

I put on 20lb's but still felt the same. My body felt even worse. Didn't feel natural. Lost weight very easily. Wasn't going to fight it. Became silly. I stopped caring about my body shape/frame/size. "This is who I am".

One thing that did happen was I started a bad habit of eating more food than I had to. When I was 14-15 years old I started smoking pot. I would ride my bicycle to my friend Jack's house 9 miles away (two towns over) just to smoke. So I ended up frequently riding my bicycle a lot in the desire to get high. I timed myself to see how long it takes. Always wanted to go faster faster faster. Race against the clock. I was pretty quick and quite fit. Doing all this exercise made me hungry all the time. Sometimes if I didn't eat I'd shut down when riding bicycle and struggle to get home. So I began to eat before I got hungry...all the time! When I stopped riding my bike like a madman I continued on with the habit of eating before hungry. I became quite fond of the taste of food. I used the excuse that because I am so skinny and have a fast metabolism I can get away with overeating. Now that I've "slowed down" in my old age (20) I can put weight on easily.

It's fucked because I have still not returned back to normal eating. Eating only when hungry. I must listen to body. There are still times that I eat for pleasure of food when I am not hungry.


I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge me by comparing me to others-thus living in separation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge others and in that place judgment on myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to try to change my human physical body because I was ashamed of it after comparing it to other bodies that I have placed judgment on-thus living in separation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react with thought/feelings/emotions to words people have said about me and my physical appearance.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react with feelings/emotions of embarrassment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed/embarrassed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place feelings/emotions/thoughts on any and all words said about my and words I have said about anything/everything.

From here on I do not hit the ball back!

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ruled by a clock.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear showing who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am inferior/superior to anyone/anything else-thus living in separation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to question whether or not I should do forgiveness because the ego of my mind believes it to be fine/ok when it is the ego/mind that I am stopping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live a lie because I've been scared to be self intimate with myself-thus I have had to lie to others to portray a false picture of who I am, of who I want to be but am actually not.