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I don't know why I there would be resistance from me to write about me. I'm chock full of fuckin memories and past experiences. motivation I guess. I did become lazy in my teen years (I'm 20 right now) when I smoked pot extensively. or maybe I just mind fucked myself into believing that I was suffering from some sort of drug induced motivational deficiency. why did I start smoking pot and drinking booze to begin with? Storytime:

I was 13 years old and playing music with my buddies regularly. They all smoked pot. I'd hang out with them while they smoked but I wouldn't partake. "no thank you. no drugs for me". They'd want me to join in with them, but I resisted. those were proud moments, hahahaha. I would get nervous for them(and myself) as they smoked because they fucking did right on the first floor of the house and Jack(buddy)'s dad would always come on us and we'd scurry away through the haze in a frightened frenzy.

One night we played a house party and I had nervous breakdown before going on stage. I was shaken. I didn't want to go up and play for folks. Really nervous. Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. Fearful of what they'd think of me. I remember I was not liking the style of music we were playing at the time, but it was the first musicians I had ever played with and was still playing with them. I guess I feared what would people think of me if they knew that was doing something I didn't really like and that in doing that became someone I didn't like. I ended up playing with them , albeit very nervously.

Later on that night after the party I slept over Jack's house. I remember being outside, looking at the sky and reflecting over the mindfuck of a nervous breakdown I had at the show. It was then I decided to hit the 'peace pipe'. That was the beginning of me smoking weeeed. didn't even get high the first time but i guess I wanted to know what it would be like then. probably even took the harm out of doing it because I didn't get fucked up like I thought I would and that made it seem OK.

Now it wasn't because of the nervous spasm I had at the house party that made me decide to smoke pot/drink/drugs. I had actually decided well before that that it was OK to do such things and that i'd like to explore/try these things out. I was into 60's rock and read into the whole late 60's era. I bought into the bullshit about consciousness expansion and drugs being a key to that. bullshit, now in hindsight looking at it. I even remember the exact moment and thoughts I had walking down a hallway in school when I decided/accepted that it would be ok/good for me to experiment with drugs.