Death. Dieing. Dead. Deceased.

Big fear early on in my life. I was very young. Four or five years old. I was in the living room on the couch when I had realization/mindfuck. I knew people/bodies got old/aged and then stopped. Ideas probably came from TV maybe or I noticed animals die. No one I really knew personally up to that point in my life had died. I knew that I was my body and that bodies stop. Inevitably I knew my time was gonna come. That realization of that all I had experienced up to that point in my life would at some point end/stop. It was all I knew. What else was there that could be? I didn't know. All I had defined me to be was me in my body. When it ended and stopped I figured me too would stop. My experience of me would end.

Blackness. A long eternal sleep of nothingness. That scared the shit out of me! Fuck. Horrible feeling in my stomach. A pit of fear. Worst feeling I had ever felt. I cried. So scared of what I didn't know/guessed. I hid. I stuck my head in between the cushions of the couch and sobbed. For years afterward the thought of death/me dieing put that horrible pit of fear in my stomach. No infiltrated un/sub/conscious aspects of my "life".

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear dieing/death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define my body "ending" as a complete disapearance and removal of me as who I really am that remains as death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define me as who I really am that remains to only be my body.
I am me.
My body will "stop" and decay and amalgamate into the earth and I will remain!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself by information/television/movies.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am my body and that when my body "stops" I too will stop. I will remain!
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I "know" what death is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to classify death as an eternal nothingness that I will never return from.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced/controlled by death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to "live" in fear of what I inevitably believed would happen to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide my fear of death within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to avoid life because of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide from reality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear crying.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to lie to myself because what is real in life/me scared the shit out of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be influenced by my thoughts, emotions, and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear dieing "young".
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being shot by a gun and dieing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear getting killed by a bomb/explosion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being brutally stabbed and mortally wounded.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of having my limbs hacked off bit by bit by a large machete.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being cut up my table saws and industrial sized machines that cut shit up
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear falling off the ladders that I climb at work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of hitting the ground after taking a big fall from high up
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear hospitals.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being stabbed by a sharp knife in my abdomen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being burned to death by a flame-thrower.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being incredibly burned/scorched/singed by fire after being soaked by gasoline/kerosene/flammable liquids.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to gear the pain of my head/skull being crushed to pieces by a car/truck/steamroller/big rig/ any and all heavy vehicles and dieing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being trampled to death by a herd of elephants.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being scolded to death by boiling hot liquids/acids/and lava/magma.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear the pain of being cooked to dead in an industrial sized oven/pot of boiling water.